So Heres a deep one.

So its Kenny.. I must say that its been a busy couple of months for me. I have recently took the biggest job i have done at work so far so its been a mess. I have been doing some things i have not done in a while. but I am going home in less than two weeks to see my family so i have been really excited. but I had recently seen a pic of the closest person that i had in my family. I dont have to list a name because those of you that know me know exactly who i am talking about. I was just going throguh stuff on facebook and i seen a pic of him in a pic with karissa from when he was about 5 or 6. It then brought me to myspace where I went to his page and found that I had went from full of energy to completely drained of it all.. Remebering all that I had lost and forgot how much I miss him. Its amazing how you can flip 180 on how you are feeling just by looking at a picture. I dont know but I feel that what I have done with my self Kasey would have been proud and supportive of all the things that I have done with myself ever since high school. But yet I think to my self was it all worth it. Leaving home almost exactly a month after graduating high school and moving 8 hours away from everything that I have ever know. Giving up all my friends and family for the persute of what I can make of my self. Its what the say is the american dream. Going from living off your parents to livin completely on your own half way across the country. Yet I think to my self was it worth it. My mom always told me go out and do something with your self. Dont make a mistake and doing what Josh did and having a kid and being stuck here. At the time I always seen it as the right thing but now looking back i dont think that josh has it so bad. He has an amazing son in Jacob. Lives just minutes from my parents and gets to go to work with my dad. To me he is doing a awesome dad and reminds me a lot of my dad with us going up. Trying to do any thing and everything for us. i dont konw. I am successful in most people's minds for doing all that I have done at such a young age. Yet I would some times give it all up. Some times I wish that I never left for college so fast. I almost wish that I would have waited. I would have been able to send more time with my family. I would have been able to spend more time with Kasey. Be closer to Jacob. I dont want to the uncle that only comes home a few times a year for most of his life. I know that I will not be in boston the rest of my life. I dont want to be like my dads brother and only remember seeing him a few times growing up. I want to be more like my Uncle John who was always there for me. If every I wanted to do some thing with him like play catch I knew he always was willing. Allthough he some times was not the best at it but he was always there for me growing up. But most of all I wish I could have spent more time with Kasey. I feel that I kind of ran away when things were getting the worst for him. I feel in a way that I let him down. Its like they say if you can not deal with the things at home you run away to some where else. But I know through talking to him that he never thought that I did. I remember talking to him after he was given 6 months to live. I was devistated and just could not stop thinking about it. I know this because my friends and teachers kept asking me what was up with me and what was wrong. But later that night when he told me that he was not going to let this stop him. It did not mater to him that they give him 2 days to live he was not going to give up. He was going to keep on fighting. From there I knew that it was going to be ok but now that he is gone I just feel like something is missing when ever I see a picture of him. I dont know if after loosing him and having so much trust in some one and loosing them that I dont trust people as much any more. Or if its also the reason why I just can not warm up to new people. I know my mom keep asking me if i have met any gilrls out here. Well I have met a few but I dont know I just have not been able to open up and be my self. But i feel that when you loose some one that close to you that you are just not the same. I remember at his funeral I kept hearing I dont know how you can be as strong as you are. But you know its just one of those things that you have to do. No one ever wants to loose there best friends that you have known there entire life. No one should ever have to go through it. But you know what life has its ups and downs. You just have to deal with it. Taking each day at a time and dealing it as it comes. But when i was home for Christmas I was at the bar and I ran into Kevin. I must say that ever since Kasey passed a way I could not talk to kevin and start crying. I dont know why because He is pretty much just like me and alone and dealing with a loss as big as what i had. But at christmas I was able to talk with him and catch up on how he was doing. I knew that while talking to him he was taking it hard but you know what I know that I was too. But talking to him helped me ease some of the pain and reminded me on how important family is. This is why it sucks that i can not come home more often. But i am coming home in 10 days and again for graduation. So sorry if this made you feel like I am depressed. But sorry You have it totally backwards. I am doing great. I love my job. I still think to my self from time to time that I am getting paid to do something I love. SO thanks to everyone for all the support and I look forward to hugs from each and every one when I come home and maybe a beer or two. LOL